I'm a long copy specialist, with some serious blue chips in my client credits. Your header sounds like you're recruiting for the army, your strap last sentence is wayyy too long and heavy but your paragraph proof point summaries are really quite good.
Trouble is, overall, there's far too much text for a landing page and the volume of information is too portal-like. It's more a page you'd see once you've clicked once to chase the scent of information.
Go and do it properly.