Just as the Kerry area—and more specifically, the Muckross locals—had finally recovered from the toxic, ludicrous, unfathomable, devious, and erotic reign of the Torc Toughguys, another era of peace and harmony has come to an abrupt end. Torc Colossus, a sleeping giant, has arisen from the depths and ashes of its predecessor—a fallen deity of men and carnage, governed only by animalistic instincts.
Its emergence has wreaked havoc on kerrymen and women, with many claiming that the recent record snowfall was a sign from the gods. Some say it was a divine attack to smite the Colossus faithful. Others see it as a blessing—tears of cold joy from the gods, submerging those caught in the storm and forcing them to embrace the new changes with nowhere to hide. And still, others dismissed it entirely, calling it nothing more than a metaphorical shoe cover springing forth a little sooner than expected.
The re-emergence of the old ways has also reignited old wives’ tales about where it all went wrong. Facts morph into loose thoughts, loose thoughts turn into whispers on the wind, and the wind speaks nothing but lies. The unjust removal of the previous regime has left a bitter aftertaste for many fans of the franchise. Lead fan Dr. Author Arthur Burn, who recently graduated from collecting glassware (and classifying it by the calluses formed from carrying a couple at a time), now works at a Spar petrol station. This humbling role, combined with his shadow’s self-realization—or lack thereof—has given him a newfound clarity, motivation, and a hunger that can only be satisfied with a gluten-free toastie from Luna’s Café. "When you think about it in reverse, the end is the beginning, and the beginning is the end,"
Meanwhile, the evil twin of President Michael D. Higgins, ET Higgins, has reportedly escaped the Mangerton Wilderness after being untraceable for 15 months. The county council has set a "Dead or Alive" bounty on him, with the reward being a sachet of expired tomato sauce. "Shoot on sight" is the official instruction delivered by the Murhill family, who submitted a photo collection of their oversized horses to the local hardware store in an attempt to swindle their swine with sweeping sobbing. But is the legend of ET Higgins even real? We asked a local man for his thoughts. "Sure, I’m him, for Christ's sake! Why else would I be carrying this shovel?"
Club captain Colin "Golden Balls" Murray has groaned and sobbed his way through the first few weeks, heartbroken after a premature breakup with his longtime lover, Lawrence Driscoll. The club risked financial ruin due to the wage structure of the current league but has promised to bring Murray back when the time is right. Love, they say, waits in the wings, as does time—ever patient.
Other players, such as Ruaraidh Cahill and Raphael Whelan, who have returned to call Torc home, bask in the glory and riches of their newfound status as local gods. Their lives are now steeped in faith, purity with worshipers or whores. Meanwhile, newcomers like Phil and Chad, still acclimating to the club’s unique culture, are undergoing daily ayahuasca trials. Only by freeing their minds completely of all stress and expectation, it’s said, will they be able to fully integrate.
Last edited by cahill at 1/11/2025 8:41:54 PM